Fear of being rejected

When I was around 10, I still talked and played with boys and even liked a boy who studied very well. My feeling towards both sexes is quite balanced. I also don’t feel jealous of hot or rich girls, I like them quite a lot instead. I admire women with great achievement. I also hate it when my beatiful best friend started talking to someone else, until now, lol.

But then when I was 12, my abusive father started to show his madness, by forcing me to drink piss, tied me up and told my brother to piss into my mouth, then forced me to suck his penis when I got bad grades and I cannot understand his teachings at Maths. That was a terrible night, I don’t know how did I get over it and live normally for a long time. But I still remember, and that’s how I discovered that it has certain impact on me without my acknowledgement. It just happened like an app running in the background.

One of the consequences is I fear that I cannot find someone who loves me.

When I look back, since then to the start of my puberty when I was 13, my father continued to act violently every Sunday when he forced me to do maths exercises and honestly I really didn’t understand. At 13, I should have fallen for some boys, but I realised that I liked no one. I start to avoid men until now. There are many good men I’ve met, but I feel very uncomfortable sitting next to them and I just want to stay away from them. I rarely talk to men. I survived high school without looking at any boy.

When I just entered university, through internet I got to know a very beautiful woman. She was very gentle with me, walked around finding pharmacy at midnight when a my motor torn skin off my food,hold me tight when the nurse poured betadine on my wound, told me everything is gonna be alright. But she was in some kind of heresy and got mad at me because someone told her I’m “dirty” and “hideous” and sent me dead threats. My GPA dropped because of that trauma. Luckily, I tried to fix it and things seem to go well. That’s when I start to indulge myself a bit and installed an app called “The L” on my phone. A girl looks like the type I like with similar face to Eva Green started talking to me and texted me: “Can we befriend?” I panicked and never tap on that app since then.

I realised that I started to avoid women also. That’s why I fear I can’t find my significant other.

Recently, updates of a lovely woman I added a long time ago appear on my newsfeed. We never talked, but like same Korean band and I remember she was owner of a Gothic shop I discovered online many years ago. I really like her, but yesterday I had a dream that she suddenly rejected me when we were kissing. I woke up feel very bad until now.

And my fear grows bigger, together with self-consciousness about my body and such (I had several large self harm scars which are big and red after some big arguments with my parents, when I couldn’t stand their irrationality). At this Southeast Asian country, they just don’t give a damn about mental health. Even my relatives defend my father, even my mom told me I am crazy, my grandma told me I’m paranoid, I really don’t know what to do but write these rants here then cry until I feel better.

 

Grandma’s wish.

My university is far from my house, but near grandma’s house so I visit there often, as I don’t have to waste money and eat at school ( I just can’t believe the quality of food at anywhere except homemade!!)  

My grandma and I is just completely different… We talk about normal life, foods (I think she is goddess of the kitchen, better than my mom, maybe because she has more time at home and try different things. I love how she know to replace one material by another and the food tastes much better than original.) 

Recently, I start to fear again, fear of aging, of losing someone. And I’m just 20 damn it..

I start to think of doing something to my loved ones.

Yesterday, after school I visited her. 

We talked randomly and she suddenly said

” I just want to travel with you because you can speak foreign languages. I just want to go out of Vietnam, out of this “S:” shaped country, just one time”

Then there is a feeling in me that until now, I can’t describe..

I just know that I must do that, I’ll fulfill her wish..

I think that’s the only thing I can do for her..

And I realize that I have no tag ” dream” in my blog. I have no dream? Or what’s wrong with me?

When did I start to see life as a struggle without any joy?

Maybe when depression came to me. 

I was able to control it first, it has some benefits to me, but now, I has gone bad that my desire is just want to be normal.

I lost the feeling of being normal, enjoy small things without fearing and anxiety…

What I’ve become… 

I just want to live.