This day, exactly 8 years ago, I almost stepped to The Other Side. I applied LD50 and took double but I didn’t know why it didn’t do the work. I’ve been struggling for my whole… More
I once wished we hadn’t meet you. There were times I felt lonely and lost.
I look at my friends, they were the best students in the class. Their everything is better than me. Everything. Now, they’re struggling as everyone else, work, eat, shit, get mad of their bosses and spouses, complain or being proud of their children and enjoy gossiping on celebrities as a way to survive.
I look at them and I understand why my parents want me to be the same. It’s easy. The problems are common and solutions are many. Just like buying a popular bike, the spare parts are mundane and cheap. They survive because they lead a similar way of life. The divergent are despised.
But diversity is a vital factor. If a specie has the identical traits, it’s unlikely that they will survive a random disease. Especially a fatal one with slow progress. As they still delude themselves with “happiness” built of emotions and attachments, which are impermanent. Because a “normal” life is a delusion. Even if the physical needs, let’s say a family and children, or more, fame and money, are granted, then there will be a time, at least one, they will question their choices, and wonder what they would gain if they pursue what they wanted, and regret.
Sometimes I’m exhausted, but I’ve never regretted anything I’ve done. You too. And people like us.
Even my dearest held me back. It’s heartbreaking to accept the truth. Poor people might think they’re living but maybe they died a long time ago. Those who doesn’t appreciate time don’t deserve life. I despise them, those delusional phàm phu tục tử
Không hiểu từ bao giờ nhìn vào thực tế lại là tiêu cực nhỉ?
Bất kỳ lời nói hay hành vi nào bản chất nó vẫn thế, chẳng có cách nào lấp liếm rằng nó mang hàm ý khác. Đời người sinh ra mất hơn 20-30 năm đầu cho việc ăn – i* phụ thuộc vào người khác và học, sau đó sức khỏe bắt đầu yếu dần đi nên thời gia thực để sống một cách tử tế không thể đo bằng tuổi thọ trung bình được. Thế nên đừng tốn thời gian làm trò con bò và bảo kiểu nó phải thế.
Cách đây 1 tháng, hay mở On this day hẳng ngày ra và hồi tưởng rằng thời gian sao trôi nhanh thế. Hôm nay liệt kê công việc mà cảm thấy có những thứ làm từ rất lâu rồi, thực tế chỉ có 3 tuần trước. Đấy là kết quả có được khi đi làm cả ngày, tối đi múa, về nhà học, cắt toàn bộ liên lạc. Đồng hồ chẳng có chức năng nào khác ngoài việc làm cho người ta hoang tưởng vào thời gian mà họ có. Và họ tiếp tục sống như mộng du.
Vừa gõ vừa có cảm giác như tự vả vào miệng vậy, vì mình từng như thế.
I log out of social networks, spend time to study, do what I should have done many years ago. But at night, the silent fear tells me, it’s already too late, it’s already so dark. I pretend to be normal, I fake my smile and I laugh too much that I start to throw up everything I eat. Oh how ironic I’ve become one of them. I didn’t value my life. I follow them as they manipulated me with lies, both relatives or not. I’ve drown in illusion for so long that all my chances, what I deserved was taken away from me. A fever comes and conquer me at night, together with my fear. I cry until I feel like throwing up again. I hate them. I despise myself. No one can help, no one, I lost, forever. No one can ever take 2007 back. I would sacrifice everything, even sell my soul to the devil. I could have done better than this. now i cannot breathe. i’m not living , just existing, life as I want is over. i’ve tried so hard not to fall but I still became one of them. They think eating and shitting mean they’re living. They think their life made up of stupid possessions. Someone said God made this challenge with the hope that I would succeed, but I didn’t.
Làm đồng bọn ru ngủ tiềm thức như thế đã quá đủ.
Bản thân mình cũng phàm phu tục tử đi , bắc ghế đi hầu thiên hạ để mong chút lại quả.
Giờ hậu quả đã nhãn tiền thì mình thiệt đầu tiên, lựa chọn khi đó dù gì cũng có một phần trong lúc tỉnh táo, thế nên chỉ còn mỗi một mình giải quyết, đời vốn thế, chơi xong dông, máu mủ ruột thịt có lợi dụng cũng phủi tay không biết, làm to chuyện nó lại bảo chỉ là giao dịch dân sự tao thách mày làm gì được tao đấy. Giở mặt kiểu này đâu phải ít, giờ anh chị em trong nhà nó cắn nhau ầm ầm vì miếng đất bé tí trong khi két cất vài cái sổ đỏ. Trước khi chuyện xa tới mức đó thì nên bắt tay vào dọn cứt ngay bây giờ. Dọn luôn cả phần người khác để trả giá cho niềm tin ngu dốt vào sự tự giác và lương thiện của con người.
Ngu thì nhận là ngu, cái gì không đụng chạm quá thì thôi, chẳng mất công đôi co giải thích cho mệt óc, chỉ tổ tốn thêm thời gian.
10 năm vừa qua mình đã làm gì thế này?
When I was around 10, I still talked and played with boys and even liked a boy who studied very well. My feeling towards both sexes is quite balanced. I also don’t feel jealous of hot or rich girls, I like them quite a lot instead. I admire women with great achievement. I also hate it when my beatiful best friend started talking to someone else, until now, lol.
But then when I was 12, my abusive father started to show his madness, by forcing me to drink piss, tied me up and told my brother to piss into my mouth, then forced me to suck his penis when I got bad grades and I cannot understand his teachings at Maths. That was a terrible night, I don’t know how did I get over it and live normally for a long time. But I still remember, and that’s how I discovered that it has certain impact on me without my acknowledgement. It just happened like an app running in the background.
One of the consequences is I fear that I cannot find someone who loves me.
When I look back, since then to the start of my puberty when I was 13, my father continued to act violently every Sunday when he forced me to do maths exercises and honestly I really didn’t understand. At 13, I should have fallen for some boys, but I realised that I liked no one. I start to avoid men until now. There are many good men I’ve met, but I feel very uncomfortable sitting next to them and I just want to stay away from them. I rarely talk to men. I survived high school without looking at any boy.
When I just entered university, through internet I got to know a very beautiful woman. She was very gentle with me, walked around finding pharmacy at midnight when a my motor torn skin off my food,hold me tight when the nurse poured betadine on my wound, told me everything is gonna be alright. But she was in some kind of heresy and got mad at me because someone told her I’m “dirty” and “hideous” and sent me dead threats. My GPA dropped because of that trauma. Luckily, I tried to fix it and things seem to go well. That’s when I start to indulge myself a bit and installed an app called “The L” on my phone. A girl looks like the type I like with similar face to Eva Green started talking to me and texted me: “Can we befriend?” I panicked and never tap on that app since then.
I realised that I started to avoid women also. That’s why I fear I can’t find my significant other.
Recently, updates of a lovely woman I added a long time ago appear on my newsfeed. We never talked, but like same Korean band and I remember she was owner of a Gothic shop I discovered online many years ago. I really like her, but yesterday I had a dream that she suddenly rejected me when we were kissing. I woke up feel very bad until now.
And my fear grows bigger, together with self-consciousness about my body and such (I had several large self harm scars which are big and red after some big arguments with my parents, when I couldn’t stand their irrationality). At this Southeast Asian country, they just don’t give a damn about mental health. Even my relatives defend my father, even my mom told me I am crazy, my grandma told me I’m paranoid, I really don’t know what to do but write these rants here then cry until I feel better.
In the last month and during the trip, while standing on the dancing boat across the Chao Phraya, I kept assess everything, and it turned out that there is no reason for me to leave but yet no reason to stay either. Honestly I can’t just stay here receiving barely 300 USD/M. Yes I can still do other works in the evening , but when it’s get busier, the amount will be even less and how could I save for another trip or more, studying abroad? I know this family is trying to keep me stay here to take care of my brother but NO I AM NOT THEIR PLAN B. They gave up on me at first and now want to take me back NO. It’s a big no.
Another problem is myself. After meeting with some successful people I felt so left out, passive and lost. If I keep living like this then I will achieve nothing in the future. I want more knowledge and experience to develop my spiritual life and it can’t be done from staying still.
My university is far from my house, but near grandma’s house so I visit there often, as I don’t have to waste money and eat at school ( I just can’t believe the quality of food at anywhere except homemade!!)
My grandma and I is just completely different… We talk about normal life, foods (I think she is goddess of the kitchen, better than my mom, maybe because she has more time at home and try different things. I love how she know to replace one material by another and the food tastes much better than original.)
Recently, I start to fear again, fear of aging, of losing someone. And I’m just 20 damn it..
I start to think of doing something to my loved ones.
Yesterday, after school I visited her.
We talked randomly and she suddenly said
” I just want to travel with you because you can speak foreign languages. I just want to go out of Vietnam, out of this “S:” shaped country, just one time”
Then there is a feeling in me that until now, I can’t describe..
I just know that I must do that, I’ll fulfill her wish..
I think that’s the only thing I can do for her..
And I realize that I have no tag ” dream” in my blog. I have no dream? Or what’s wrong with me?
When did I start to see life as a struggle without any joy?
Maybe when depression came to me.
I was able to control it first, it has some benefits to me, but now, I has gone bad that my desire is just want to be normal.
I lost the feeling of being normal, enjoy small things without fearing and anxiety…
What I’ve become…
I just want to live.